New Year, New Derby Attitude
So roller derby. I am still attempting it.
Every time that I get out there for practice I feel proud of myself. I am putting myself out there and trying something so unlike me. I am forcing myself to meet and interact with new people. In order to get there, however, I always have to move past the growing fear each week.
I develop the worst anxiety in the days leading up to practice. I am absolutely terrified, to the point of thinking of excuses not to go. I am struck by all kinds of thoughts doubting my ability, wondering what everyone thinks of me….very difficult feelings to try and overcome.
I often find that I am comparing myself to the other women who started with me. They are catching on more quickly, picking up speed, doing all the drills…and leaving me in the dust. Of course the rational part of my brain recognizes that I have made leaps and bounds since that first day. I can get off the ground after falls…and I am getting better at doing it without having to put a hand on the ground. I can successfully execute a t-stop. Last practice, I ran on my toe stops and only fell once. These are great accomplishments FOR ME, and I need to focus on loving and appreciating the progress that I make.
It’s hard to escape the reality that I am on the only fat Freshie in this batch. I whole heartedly believe in health at every size, and I love my body for what it is, but years of exclusion from sports and social events because of my size still sting. I sometimes find myself worrying if people think my lack of ability is because of my weight…sometimes I even find myself thinking those things.
But there is something that still pushes me to go…to work through the self doubt and the shame and the fear… and that is a drive to find myself. I have always occupied a strange dichotomous space; shy but outspoken, afraid of people but fearless in defending the rights of those who sought my help, bookish/sedentary with a love of dance and movement. In many ways, this sport is just another oddity in my inconsistent life, but I really feel like roller derby allows me to step outside of my comfort zone, while participating in a culture that speaks to love, respect and inclusion that I have sought in my life.
Furthermore, participating in roller derby allows me to feel proud in the work I have done dealing with my mental illness. 3 years ago I never would have been able to put myself out there like I am doing right now. Just by forcing myself out there every Friday night I am reminding myself that I do not have to live my life controlled by anxiety and fear.
One of the ways that I am working to maintain my push to attend practice every week is through the process of selecting and and ordering my own gear. I just ordered my first pair of skates, a pair of Riedell Divines. They are a beautiful looking vegan skate, so that I do not have to compromise my ethics doing this new thing that I love! 
The skates I selected will be mounted on the XK-4 DA 45 plates, and I am starting off with Radar Flat Out wheels in Ice Blue, and some lovely banana yellow laces. The skates will take a while to get here, because the boot is custom made by Riedell. But the fact that I ordered them makes them one step closer to getting here!
At the end of January I am also going to order some decent knee pads and probably some skate maintenance tools. I am excited just thinking about it 
Great post. But what I really want to say is, I dig those vegan skates! They are absolutely gorgeous! (Those alone make me want to look up where I can go skating, and then fall on my butt most likely.)
Aren’t they beautiful? I am not ashamed to admit that part of the reason I started skating was because I think the skates are just so pretty! Also, about falling on butts, my first time out I had no problem falling down, but then couldn’t get up. It was basically a disaster, but everyone in derby seems so supportive, that I quickly got over my embarrassment by the next week.