I will start by saying that I have been dealing with some frustration lately, feeling like I have hit a bit of a progress wall. This came to a head a few weeks ago, when we did our very first 25 in 5, and I came in at a lowly 13 in 5. It was far lower than I was expecting, and it had me really bummed out. Needless to say, I am now thinking about ways to improve my endurance outside of the one practice a week I am attending. I hereby commit to taking the stairs at school, instead of the elevator (except maybe to my office, 8 floors is quite a bit).

I also feel like I am just not picking up on some of the skills. We have been working on ‘pushing’ drills, which we are doing to prepare for getting into actually hitting. Unfortunately, I cannot get the hang of it. I have no strength so I am unable to actually push anyone, and I still don’t feel very sturdy so I tend to trip a lot in these drills. My lack of strength is also impacting my ability to give a good whip, and I think I need to invest in doing some push ups and core strengthening at home.

That said, I have had some improvement. I am beginning to get crossovers and feeling more confident about them, and yesterday I got up ‘properly’ without having to put my hands on the ground or put both toe stops down. I guess the leg strength is getting there.

This week I also received my very own skates, just in time to attend practice. The xk4 da45 plates gives me a bit of trouble, because I sometimes find them responding to things I didn’t realize I was  telling them, and as a result I felt extra wobbly last night. I also had some pretty sever foot cramping, which some say could be because they are too big, but I really don’t think thats the case. I am hoping its just a matter of breaking them in, and as such I am going to be wearing them around the house everyday. The skates themselves are absolutely gorgeous. I am so happy I didn’t compromise, and went with a vegan boot. It is just so pretty AND cruelty free! Here is a photo to show them off

They are taped up with pink hockey tape for now, until I decide on the colour I want to use to protect them. That said, I think it goes well with the blue and yellow!

I am also getting more and more into putting together my derby outfits. Whereas I started off in longish yoga-shorts and a tshirt, I am now wearing leggings, bright coloured shorts and my standard political tshirts (with phrases such as Fuck Tuition Fees, No Means No, and This Is What A Feminist Looks Like….). I am even thinking about getting myself a pair of sparkly, bootylicious derby skinz! I feel like derby is helping my self esteem a bit, and making me want to appreciate my body more.

I am hoping that my new skates and outfits are going to contribute to me continuing to feel good about myself, staying committed to derby, and hopefully seeing some improvement in my skating. I am hoping that our next 5 minutes test I can make it to 14 laps. I am aiming for progress one lap at a time!

I also recently had the opportunity to share my passion with a couple of friends. Our league hosted a roller disco night, and several of my colleagues were supposed to come. Ultimately, only one was able to show up, but he brought is partner and I think a great time was had by all! It was nice to have a night off just to skate, with no pressure to compete, perform or participate (although I did take the opportunity to work on my crossovers!)!

Every time that I get out there for practice I feel proud of myself. I am putting myself out there and trying something so unlike me. I am forcing myself to meet and interact with new people. In order to get there, however, I always have to move past the growing fear each week.

I develop the worst anxiety in the days leading up to practice. I am absolutely terrified, to the point of thinking of excuses not to go. I am struck by all kinds of thoughts doubting my ability, wondering what everyone thinks of me….very difficult feelings to try and overcome.

I often find that I am comparing myself to the other women who started with me. They are catching on more quickly, picking up speed, doing all the drills…and leaving me in the dust. Of course the rational part of my brain recognizes that I have made leaps and bounds since that first day. I can get off the ground after falls…and I am getting better at doing it without having to put a hand on the ground. I can successfully execute a t-stop. Last practice, I ran on my toe stops and only fell once. These are great accomplishments FOR ME, and I need to focus on loving and appreciating the progress that I make.

It’s hard to escape the reality that I am on the only fat Freshie in this batch. I whole heartedly believe in health at every size, and I love my body for what it is, but years of exclusion from sports and social events because of my size still sting. I sometimes find myself worrying if people think my lack of ability is because of my weight…sometimes I even find myself thinking those things.

But there is something that still pushes me to go…to work through the self doubt and the shame and the fear… and that is a drive to find myself. I have always occupied a strange dichotomous space; shy but outspoken, afraid of people but fearless in defending the rights of those who sought my help, bookish/sedentary with a love of dance and movement. In many ways, this sport is just another oddity in my inconsistent life, but I really feel like roller derby allows me to step outside of my comfort zone, while participating in a culture that speaks to love, respect and inclusion that I have sought in my life.

Furthermore, participating in roller derby allows me to feel proud in the work I have done dealing with my mental illness. 3 years ago I never would have been able to put myself out there like I am doing right now. Just by forcing myself out there every Friday night I am reminding myself that I do not have to live my life controlled by anxiety and fear.

One of the ways that I am working to maintain my push to attend practice every week is through the process of selecting and and ordering my own gear. I just ordered my first pair of skates, a pair of Riedell Divines. They are a beautiful looking vegan skate, so that I do not have to compromise my ethics doing this new thing that I love! 

The skates I selected will be mounted on the XK-4 DA 45 plates, and I am starting off with Radar Flat Out wheels in Ice Blue, and some lovely banana yellow laces. The skates will take a while to get here, because the boot is custom made by Riedell. But the fact that I ordered them makes them one step closer to getting here!

At the end of January I am also going to order some decent knee pads and probably some skate maintenance  tools. I am excited just thinking about it

Kai was a beautiful bluepoint siamese, full of life and love and personality. He was extremely vocal, and always quick to share his opinion on whatever you were talking about, whether you wanted to hear it or not. He had a fondness for foam ball toys and fuzzy mice on string, and would leap 3 feet into the air during epic play times.

He was much loved by his partner in crime Kyoko, as well as my partner and myself. He was, simply put, the best friend anyone could ever have, and it was entirely our honour to have known him and shared our home with him.

At only 8, he left us far too soon, and he is deeply missed. The hole in our hearts and our home will never be filled.

Go forward in the next part of your path with much love Kai. Te quiero.

The reality is that I am not a very athletic person. I am also not a very outgoing person. I have adjusted to my comfortable life of academia, which involves quite a bit of sitting: sitting to read, sitting to write, sitting to discuss things in class. To say I have been leading a somewhat sedentary life for the past 7 years would be an understatement. On top of this lack of activity, was the constant reminder of my fatness. Now, certainly one can be active and healthy and fit and fat, I am certainly not disputing that. I, however, do not fall into that camp and I was plagued with the worry that my fatness and lack of fitness would reflect poorly on all fat people. I certainly didn’t want to be perpetuating an unfortunate stereotype…

And so, the anxiety built as the day drew closer. It was two weeks between when I received the email and when I attended the first session. This period was mostly plagued with anxiety and self doubt, although it was punctuated by periods of excitement, such as when I bought my helmet!

So the day came, and off I went, dressed up in new shorts and sweat pants and carrying my smurf blue skate helmet. When I arrived, we were instructed to select gear, which included skates, knee pads, elbow pads, and wrist pads. We didn’t skate up right away, because instead they were torturing us with off skate training, which included running laps, doing lunges, and these painful things called squat hops. Halfway through the off-skate training I was asking myself what I had gotten into. I was sweating, out of breath and my legs felt like they were on fire. I didn’t think things could get any worse…

…so of course they did. When it was time to gear up, I could not for the life of me get off the ground with skates on. One of the experienced skaters ended up having to pull me up so I could line up with the others. The first thing we learned was how to fall safely…which unfortunately meant being on the ground again, and having to get up. It became clear to me, and I’m assuming everyone else, that getting up was just not happening for me. One of the coach’s had to work with me for about 30 minutes before I was able to get up. When I did get the hang of it, it wasn’t proper form and it wasn’t quick, but at least I could get up. Throughout this ordeal, I felt like I was going to burt into tears at any moment. Thankfully, the woman working with me had a good mix of support and tough love, and even though she wouldn’t help me get up, she was quick with a kind word whenever I made progress, and encouragement when I didn’t.

Once I got off the floor, I was able to join the rest of the women to learn about stopping. Stopping was SLIGHTLY easier than getting up from falling, although since I still couldn’t really skate at all, it was still problematic. We learned three different stops, one of which I was good at and the other two which will hopefully come with time!

After these training bits, it was skating time. We all started skating around the track at our own pace, stopping to turn and go the other way every once in a while (so as not to overdevelop one side of our bodies!). We also practiced derby stance, which is basically squatting as low as possible. The unfortunate part of this is that they made us hold it several times…ouch!

By the end of this, I was feeling pretty good about myself, and the desire to cry from earlier in the session had completely disappeared. I left feeling happy and confident and proud of myself for going out and doing it. I also felt pain, which only got worse over the next 48 hours, but was mostly gone again by the time the second session rolled around.

The second session was pretty similiar, and I was happy to discover that my ability to get up is improving slightly, and that I was feeling more confident on my skates. I also might a very nice woman, so it was great to have someone to talk to. We have one more open house session, and then we choose whether or not to join the league. I am having so much fun, and I am so proud of myself that I am planning to continue on and join the league. I am preparing to buy my own skates, which I will probably discuss in another post, and I am looking forward to practices twice a week instead of just once.

Overall, I am just so glad that I decided to do it. I feel like I am discovering a whole new part of myself, and also really challenging myself to move past anxieties and worries. Plus, it is a nice break from the stresses of graduate school!

I joined the perhaps not-so-wonderful world of graduate studies in September, and I have been struggling to work out all of my various thoughts about participating in such an unfortunate institution while loving academia at the same time. Grad school is an interesting experience, that I am both loving and hating. Ask me again how I feel about it come March though.

I also decided that I needed to do something for myself, fun and exciting, that wasn’t related to activism or school. To this end, I am very excited to announce that I attended my first Fresh Meat session with a local roller derby league. I am now in quite a bit of pain, but I had a good time! Perhaps later in the week, when I am looking for a distraction from writing essays, I will post about my experiences.

For now, I am simply saying “Hello Internet World! I have returned.”

Some of things I am hoping to look at this week are: the cost of post secondary education, my experience as a mentally ill student, and (maybe) my thoughts about my journey towards veganism.

I will also be posting some more pet pictures, since its my blog and I can do that (and I really love my pets)!

I am a bit overwhelmed.

I have been a vegetarian for a long time now, and have always had a firm committment to animal rights. I never understood why anyone could treat a cow or chicken differently than their cat or dog, or the cute pandas on Animal Planet. I believed that not eating meat was the best thing I could do to do my part in limiting the unnecessary suffering of the other animals on the earth. Then everything changed.

I began to read some political economy and political theory literature on animal rights. I attended veg festivals and listened to speakers. And I learned the horrendous truth about what really happens to animals. Then I did MORE reading, and I learned about all the terrible things that go into our foods…the antibiotics, the hormones, the chemicals. And I decided enough was enough.

And so…I am going vegan. My partner ( who is not going vegan, but who is also on a quest to make more ethical food choices, and who is cutting out Coke and Pepsi products, and perhaps chocolate) and I did a one week vegan diet a few months ago during the summer. It was….difficult. I found the whole situation very overwhelming at the time, and also very discouraging. So I have resolved to do it a bit slower now. I have set a date, January 1st, and on that day I will cut milk out of my life. I will then add other things in increments, with the goal to be eating a complete vegan diet within one year.

Tomorrow I am off to buy a vegan cookbook I have read a ton of rave reviews about, and continue the reading I need to do in order to make a smooth transition as possible. It is a major change, that is both exciting and sad. I am saying goodbye to foods that I love (goodbye, cheese), and moving towards a healthier mind-body connection that makes me feel confident and happy that I am contributing to something good.

I am looking forward to the challenges ahead, and sharing the lessons I learn from these upcoming changes.

They are also running a contest right now, where you can enter to win an adoption kit by naming your favourite animal that is offered for symbolic adoption.

Mine is the black footed ferret!

Cookies and Cream joined our family in February. We had lost our previous little rattie Kismet over the holidays in December, and we were looking for some tiny furry joy. Unfortunately, I fell in love with these darlings at a pet store (and I will state now, that I am very opposed to most pet stores), but it was love at first sight, and we had to bring them home. Not suprisingly, we soon discovered they were very sick, and we had to take them to the vets almost every week, as well as make time to give them medicine three times a day. Now, giving rats medicine is not the easiest thing in the world to do, especially when they are just getting used to you. Despite all our efforts, Cream developped a serious ear infection which resulted in a permanent head tilt. I am happy to say both our girls are doing great now, especially considering we thought they might have had to be on medicine permanently!
So there is the story of Cookies and Cream. Cookies, although you can’t tell in the picture, is quite fat but wonderfully happy, and Cream sees the world from her own unique angle!

Tuition fees in Ontario are the second highest in all of Canada, running about 1000$ more than the national average, and the government assistance program (OSAP) needs some serious retooling. As Ontario universities and colleges are being allowed to increase the cost of tuition fees more each year, fewer students have the financial means to attend post-secondary education. Personally, my attendance at university has been entirely based on receipt of OSAP and the debt I have accumulated this young is truly astronomical.

And so we protest. Here in Ottawa, all of the schools will get together for a city-wide march downtown, with a rally at the Human Rights Monument. The government’s response has been clear however; last year, the government had even locked the gates to parliament hill, preventing students from protesting at the government buildings as they walked by.

I hope to see everyone who is in Ontario out in solidarity. Education is a right.